Horror Movie Empire.com Reviews

It’s a proven fact that I hate anything and everything having to do with the snow. So pretty much any horror movie set in a cold environment becomes about 10 times more frightening to me (No I still haven’t seen Frozen). So why anyone would want to live in a barren snow village and stay there for the 30 days out of the year that the sun doesn’t rise is beyond me. Although, having made it my civil duty to watch movies and tell you exactly how I feel about them, I bucked up, put on a coat and settled in for a viewing of 30 Days of Night. You can thank and commend me later.

Based on the comic book series or graphic novel as the kids call them, 30 Days of Night is about the town of Barrow Alaska, which readies itself every year for it’s annual “30 Days of Night” in which the sun is absent for an entire month. If you were thinking gee that would be the perfect time for a pack of wild vampires to strike, you would be right! It’s not long before strange things start to happen, cell phones are destroyed, sled dogs slaughtered, and human heads are skewered on sticks! The sheriff in town Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett) and his fire marshal wife Stella (Melissa George) whom he is separated from, band together with the rest of the town in hopes of escaping a brutal clan of other worldly vampires. Will they be able to survive for a month? Or will they all fall victim to those scary toothed gross vampires?

First off- the atmosphere in this movie is pretty incredible. If you want cold and hopeless darkness, this movie delivers 100%. It even feels like the pages of a comic book in some regards. The snow and the very idea that these people are cut off from civilization for the next month is excruciating, whether you despise the cold or not. You can literally just feel the cold and the fear, which I believe is the film’s biggest strength.

The vampires are pretty terrifying. I remember when this trailer first came out and I would cringe in fear when that one bald vampire would say “No God.” and shake his head and look at the woman with this black button, lifeless, doll eyes. Dare I say that trailer was a bit scarier than that actual part- but regardless these vampires are pretty horrifying. It’s certainly a trip back to the lovely days of Nosferatu, where vampires were dead, disgusting, and loving it. They weren’t these magically suave heart breakers with an appetite for sex and blood. They were just gross and scary. Period. I loved the black eyes, the unconventional teeth (absent are the typical enlarged fangs) and even the different language they spoke. Sure it’s a little Middle Earth, but it still presents the vampires as completely foreign entities and like I said, other worldly demons.

One sort of downside with the vampires was that they made their presence known a bit too fast. I would have liked to see them not reveal themselves so suddenly, and all in one pack. It’d be nice to have them be a bit illustrious, or hidden- that way their final reveal would be all the more terrifying. I suppose people just love jumping the gun though.

Another downside would be that the movie kind of starts to drag at some point. We find our main characters huddled up inside an attic and hiding from the vampires, but from there where can we really go? We wait diligently to see each survivor picked off in some way shape or form- but it is vital to the suspense of the film, or just killing time until the ultimate show down at the end?

Speaking of showdowns, the ending is pretty surprising….and also partially stupid. I’m not sure I entirely agree with the drastic measures that are taken, nor do I think that it was necessary (there had to have been an easier way) but I suppose it was somewhat exciting. The ending gives you heart break, and the movie fills you with fear and bitter coldness. All in all, a pretty solid addition into the vampire legacy, that I was pleasantly surprised to see. Sure the vampires sort of lose their scary appeal halfway through, but the characters are somewhat likable, and the carnage is lovely. My only major beef is that the dogs get killed! Waaah! Oh and a Granny who likes smoking pot. Waaaah!

Buy 30 Days of Night at Horror Movie Empire

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

Indie horror movies are like a thorn in my side right now. Sure now and again we’ll find something that is amazing–like Ink perhaps, but going back and watching these awful movies really makes me value crappy B-movie sequels and possibly even….The Twilight Saga. But in all honesty, as the old adage goes–just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you have a video camera, does not make you a director. And unfortunately horror movies may get the worst of that- since most people think all you need for a horror movies is blood. (Good acting? Psssah!) This results in grade F movies, also known as the most painful and agonizing hour and 30 minutes of my life.

13 Seconds is about an annoying rock group who decides to record their new album in an abandoned school kind of place. Soon bad things start happening and people die. That’s about all I got out of it anyways.

I will say that there a few surprisingly creepy images delivered from time to time. Things like bald albino demons, dead bodies in body bags, and really spindly thin Nosferatu fingers creeping out from underneath beds. Things like this may have been the only redeeming factor- although the movie was just so awful in the rest of it that I could not for the life of me keep my eyes open.

Here is what is so atrocious. The acting and writing are some of the worst I have ever seen in my entire life. Lines are uttered that are so unnatural and so laughably bad it’s a wonder the entire crew didn’t walk out the minute they read the script. How this movie got distributed to places like Blockbuster, we’ll never know. Horrible lines followed by even worse standardized close ups, make for a constant cringe effect from the viewers.

Next, the music is the same few notes plunked out by what is no doubt some kind of Casio keyboard that try to elicit a creepy vibe. Repetitive and badly done keyboard music does not elicit creepiness–only death in the form of headache. People get killed for no good reason, we lose track of which character is the fat guy—because there are 10 of them. And I’m sorry but I can’t take a lead character seriously if it’s a dude wearing a skirt. It’s not punk rock to me it’s called embarrassment.

Finally one of the greatest laugh out loud moments comes in the form of something the Netflix description said, “After the band finds a series of gruesome artwork…”. Hmmmm gruesome eh? I must admit my interest was temporarily peaked. That is until said gruesome pictures were revealed, and our main girl said and I quote, “Wow. That is pretty gruesome” Pan to “gruesome picture” a photograph of one of the characters super imposed on a badly drawn canvas of “demon” arms. Soooo gruesome you guys.

So if you haven’t figured it out stay far away from this. Despite the few instances of creepy images, nothing can save this abomination of a movie from holding a place in my worst movies ever list.

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

As John Cusack’s character Mike Enslin states, hotel rooms really are one of the creepiest places on the block. Who knows what devilish deeds, and vile bodily fluids were strewn across the very bed you are lying in? Murders, accidental deaths, suicides, break ups, prostitution stings- the list of possibilities is both endless and creepy. So what happens when that hotel room becomes the villain in a horror movie? In all actuality you get The Shining but in this case the answer is 1408, the less attractive and not as cool brother.

Based on the short story by Stephen King, 1408 tells the tale of author Mike Enslin. A skeptic who writes novels about supposed haunted places across the country- in all cases coming up with nothing that shakes him to his core. That is until he receives a postcard about the Dolphin Hotel and a warning about room 1408. After doing research and talking to the manager, Enslin finds that the room has been held accountable for over 50 deaths and that anyone who stays there lasts no longer than 60 minutes. Not easily shaken, Enslin enters the room despite the harsh pleading the manager gives him. After only a few moments in the room it becomes violently clear that the room holds a certain evil within the walls, and that Mike Enslin will be forced to become a believer before long.

While 1408 is not a horrible movie by any means, there are still things I find extremely distracting. The biggest one for me is the effect of the “ghosts” in the room. They look like blue holograms and do little to spook the viewer- in fact they even made me laugh at one point. I also found there to be very little actual frightening moments, which I found surprising coming from a Stephen King story. One reviewer on a message board referred to the movie as a terrifying story where all the scary parts were taken out. As someone who has not read the short story, I can’t really vouch for this- but I can say that I felt truly scared little to no times during the entirety of the film. There’s a certain claustrophobia that should have been felt, but I found that it was replaced with glaring CGI effects and the downright ridiculous acting skills of John Cusack. I realize I may be in the minority, but can someone tell me what exactly the appeal of John Cusack is? I find him to be annoying and distracting and he kind of looks like a muppet. He bothers me and I know that’s probably just  personal taste but it really busted my chops!

The other major downfall is the completely ridiculous and long ending. I really hate movies where everything makes sense and then suddenly we are plunged back into madness and forced to relive a new and different ending that does little to help anything. There are also two different endings, one original, bleak ending and one ending that was made to appease those that felt the ending was too much of a downer. I believe I saw the downer ending but to be honest I was so mad over the 1st false ending and relief that I didn’t give a crap what the rest of the movie was like. It was so jarring and instead of plunging me back into the same madness and claustrophobic atmosphere that John Cusack was, it just distracted me and made me want to turn the movie off.

All in all there are a few decent moments, some creepy atmospheric touches and a tiny bit of humor. Not enough to make me love it- but I didn’t necessarily detest it either. I just wish it paid more attention to the actual fear in the room rather than John Cusack’s star power. I guess we can’t have it all!

Buy 1408 at Horror Movie Empire!

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

I take back what I said about 100 Tears being awful. The 13th Sign really IS awful. It takes an entirely different approach than 100 Tears in that the gore factor is drastically reduced in exchange for “atmosphere” and a more innate and supernatural kind of fear. Unfortunately the editing is far too choppy for the viewer to ever understand what’s going on- and any attempt at clarity and coheisiveness is pretty much exterminated within the very first minutes.

From what I could gather, the film is about Lany whose father killed 15 people before committing suicide. This event causes nightmares and a demonic voice to taunt Lany- provoking her escape to the town and allowing her to go on a mission in which she must destroy the “demons” of the village. There’s a loud and muffled demon voice over, a giant Freddy Kruger hand and some kind of slimy Pan’s Labyrinth monster, but I really can’t tell you anything else because I just did not know what was going on.

I think the films major flaw has to do with the fact that the story makes no sense. Apparently the town is run by some demonic cult, and Lany’s hearing voices is due to the fact that she was born on a solar eclipse which marks some evil 13th sign in devil worshipping. I guess in the end she has to pick which side to be on- but it really does not make sense. I had a hard time figuring out what really led Lany back to the village and how she ended up with that super human bald guy who just wouldn’t die.

The movie also seems to borrow a lot of popular horror elements like the Freddy hand, the monster lurking in a cave, and the devil. The devil was probably the worst because apparently creating tacky special effects like glowing eyes and a deep synthesized/ Candyman-like voice is enough to create the ambience that the devil embodies. It made me laugh more than cower and caused me to choke on my water several times.

The acting is pretty atrocious but nowhere near as atrocious as the fighting. If the Matrix wasn’t cool- meaning if it had no money in to pull off those sweet ass effects, I would imagine the end result would be something like the 13th Sign. There is this weird slow motion thing happening, and the fights almost make you nod off. They are unrealistic and uncharacteristically slow for a fight scene NOT in slow motion. Here is some advice if you want to avoid the same mistakes The 13th Sign made; the reaction time of the main bad guy should never be reduced to the reaction time of a 90 year old woman in any way shape or form. Also rubber weapons are often frowned upon and should never be used- this includes the use of a rubber mace.

One thing that did stick out to me  however and almost surprised me actually was the creation of the cave monster. The effects in that scene were actually pretty good and I found myself wishing they had gone to something like that much sooner. Of course, there is no solid explanation for what the monster is or why it’s there- and it’s certainly never explained why it tries to make out with Lany- but I suppose it is pretty impressive looking.

Overall pretty dismal attempt at a movie here. Once again I find myself wondering why movies like this are ever made. I should have known from the instant the DVD would not let me fast forward through the previews, forcing me to watch 7 minutes of some Ron Jeremy b-movie horror/ porn flick, that I was in for a real bomb. Plus the credits were like 10 minutes long and were awful. Do yourself a big favor and never watch this- please, unless maybe you are doing a study on how not to make a movie. Then buy away!

Buy the 13th Sign at Horror Movie Empire

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

Clowns are one of the few things in life that will be scary no matter what the circumstances are. It will always guarantees a scare just like boobs will always guarantee a drooling audience of teenage boys. Unfortunately for 100 Tears, no matter how scary a fat and bloody clown with a giant meat cleaver is-the movie is kind of awful.

100 Tears is an indie film directed by Marcus Koch that follows two displeased tabloid reporters who decide that tracking down a serial killer would be a proper change in pace. Somehow their search leads them to a bunch of carnies- and right into the clutches of the psychopathic, murdering clown named Gurdy, who is responsible for a string of murders that have been going on for about 20 years.

I’ve read quite a few reviews that rave about this movie calling it the next Hatchet with fantastic special effects and loads and loads of gore. Sure if you are into senseless shot after shot of gore then I suppose this movie would be for you. But my problem here is that although I hated Hatchet- we weren’t getting shot after shot of the same gore. The gore in Hatchet is fantastic because it’s different and original every time. 100 Tears uses the “intestines trick” about 10 times and it gets very very old. As does the instant splicing of the head off with one swing of the meat cleaver. Yes some of the best villains in horror only have one main weapon that they use but the trick is to be original and get creative with the weapon, which I think is Gurdy’s ultimate flaw.

The acting is also pretty atrocious but it’s hard to tell if it’s just because of the atrocious writing, which, funnily enough is done by one of the leader reporters, Joe Davison. Who at most times thinks that his self written dialogue is the funniest thing on the planet. Humor and jokes are horribly done, screams are uninspired and the writing feels forced. Nothing seems natural, and nothing prevents you from realizing that these are all mediocre actors reading lines out of a bad script. Even so called “indie horror queen” Raine Brown (whose claim to fame is “contest attendee” in an episode of Sex & the City) proves herself to be worse of an actress than Sheri Moon Zombie.

The story and logic is all over the place, and we find ourselves scratching our heads over the improbable lay out of the town. Random characters keep showing up and people get killed every 5th of a second. We barely have time to digest the bad dialogue and by the time everything is said and done we are left even more confused than ever.

Gurdy’s past is foggy and Raine Brown’s past is even foggier. Their motives serve no point and do not logically fit into the mind of a serial killer. Somehow for the past 20 years, Gurdy has managed to walk into random places and half way houses, brutally kill everyone there and not get caught? If two ridiculously stupid and annoying tabloid reporters are capable of tracing a lead to the carnival of said serial killer, just what may I ask are all these fancy cops in suits doing?

There was honestly nothing in 100 Tears that made me step back and appreciate what the film was doing. It makes me sad because there are so many better indie films out there that aren’t getting the kind of distribution that 100 Tears is. Why on earth can we sit here and pretend that 100 Tears is groundbreaking when deep down inside we know that it is crap? Movies like this that are filled with senseless gore and public displays of oral sex in alley ways only further that pesky stereotype of horror movies. You know the one that says all horror movies are about blood, boobs and public oral sex in alley ways? Well that’s the one- and 100 Tears is the culprit!

Buy 100 Tears at Horror Movie Empire

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

Have you ever travelled down South and found yourself amongst a strange group of individuals that were fed the wrong information about what the actual outcome of the Civil War was? They may refer to themselves as entity separate from the United States of America, refer to the confederate flag as the proper flag, and are just really really crazy and weird. If so- and you would like to relive that feeling of creepiness/ hilarity then I have the perfect the movie for you.

2001 Maniacs directed by Tim Sullivan is one of those splatter gore fests movie with an added dose of offensive jokes around everyone corner- and the funny thing is I actually found myself enjoying it. Some inherently uncool boys from a prep college meet up with two hotties and their bi-sexual friend while making their way to Daytona Beach for spring break. Along the way they run into a detour that brings them dab smack in the town of Pleasant Valley (with a staggering population of 2001…). Meanwhile a Black guy and an “Asian” girl show up on a motorcycle- and the town rejoices at the fact that they have visitors to share their “Guts and Glory Jamboree with, which celebrates the American Civil War. While our main characters believe that they have run into a really serious group of Civil War reenacters, we soon find that these aren’t your everyday crazy people. And that the term guts and glory may seem a little too convenient in a horror movie…

So the main thing that people love about this movie is Robert Englund. Yes, Freddy Krueger is capable of branching out in his horror acting. This time he plays Buckman,the mayor of Pleasant Valley. He’s a seemingly nice albeit racist kind of figure and he has a sweet eye patch. But once things start really heating up- and his true colors come out–we realize very soon that Buckman is a terrifying sort of man- with some serious blood lust. But he’s still great.

One of the big things that people run into with this movie is the over the top racism, homophobia and continuous rips on southern hick/inbred types. Yes it is all those things- but the movie is meant to be offensive just as much as it is meant to be satirizing crappy, gory horror movies. Horror comedies have the great ability to laugh at themselves as well as the rest of the genre as a whole. If you don’t have a thick enough skin to realize that the director and actors aren’t actually racist then I suggest finding a different movie to watch.

If you are a gore fan then you will be highly satisfied. There are some GREAT kills in this- kills that I found to be really entertaining (and I hate entertaining gore!). Trying to imagine just what kind of deaths will meet our characters is nearly impossible as every kill is as unique and amazing as it gets. I personally love the giant bell crushing scene- and the way all that blood sprays on the girls’ umbrellas.

The horse scene is also really awesome and the way that the bi-sexual guy dies is tongue in cheek offensive grade A humor.

Just a note though- the movie does venture off into b -grade porno pretty early on in the movie- but naturally we expect that with a movie taking jabs at everyone including crappy b-movie horror films. Fans of horror will also greatly appreciate a cameo by Eli Roth who reprises his role as the stoner from Cabin Fever- a scene that must have happened before he and Dr. Mambo’s time in the woods.

So what do we have here really? An entertaining, 87 minute long ride of guts and glory. Sure the ending leaves little to the imagination- and all the civil war ghoulies look like they purchased their authentic clothing at Hot Topic- but the movie is here for sheer entertainment- not to win Oscars. As someone who tends to despise movies like this- I was really surprised that I was into watching this movie twice. Yes you heard it right- twice in 2 days. Possibly this was because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t on some kind of weird drug the day before.- but most likely it was because it really was that entertaining. I whole heartily recommend this for anyone who needs to satisfy their gore hunger.

Buy 2001 Maniacs at Horror Movie Empire

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

1998 Robert Bruning Production

    A young couple, Julie (Rebecca Gibney) and Peter (John Adam) buy an old house on the Sydney waterfront and while fixing it up they discover something odd is happening to theirwall. Will the evil that lurks there escape or will they leave before it’s too late?

    13 Gantry Row is a made for TV possessiontype horror tale from Australia and I must say that I like it quite a bit. Instead of there being a reliance on nudity and an overabundanceof gore it tells a tale of pychological fear. It is kind of easy to figure out what originally happened in the house due to what they show us in the very beginning, but the journey to the ned of the film is fraught with a lot of tense and scary moments due to the quality of the screenplay and the believability of the actors. The ending is a little weak, but overall it is a good horror film.

    Tony Morphett wrote the screenplay very skillfully and it is basically a tale of possession by the evil spirit of a man who used to live in the residence. It doesn’t go much deeper than that, but it really doesn’t have to. There are certain parts of it that really made me wonder what the hell was going to happen next, which is a good thing believe me! In particular I really love the idea of the iron wall being put in place in order to keep the spirit of the serial killer from climbing the wall. I have never heard of something like that in a horror film before so I give him kudos for thinking that up. The character development of Peteris very interesting and his descent from being a regular young banker into pure madness adds to the tense feeling I get while watching it. What is interesting about the journey of Julie and Peter is that in the beginning they seem like a regular young upwardly mobile couple, characters that I wouldn’t normally give a crap about, but by the end of the film I really worry about what is going to happen to them. Having sympathetic characters as the center of the story always adds to a movie rather than subtracting from it.

    I must say that I really like how Catherine Millar directs this. My favorite scenes are the dream sequences whenever they pop up throughout the film. She uses slow motion, crazy angles and kind of psychedelic effects to make it look like the nightmare that it in fact is. She also uses the camera as a wall in which paint goes over, and a mirror in which blood is smeared. That really gives the film a creepy feel that makes me uneasy, which is a very hard thing to do! There is a fair amount of blood in this including a few throat slashings, but it’s not over the top arterial spray. Instead the blood is there just as a byproduct of the evil events hat take place throughout the movie. Over the top gore can quite often take you out of a film and make the events seem unreal, but since this movie doesn’t do that at all you are firmly entrenched in it. The look of the house itself is really spooky and reminds Bloofer Lady of a Victorian that she used to live in. The high ceilings and folding doors of it really stick the building in the time in which the original murderer killed his victims and give his spirit an equally evil place to dwell.

    John Adam does a really good job playing Peter, and he is very believable as a man who becomes slowly more and more possessed by the spirit of the madman. While the character is doing the normal things that he usually does, such as making love to his wife, Adam’s expressions and actions convey that all is not right and that things are taking a turn for the worse. He’s not overly dramatic about it either, rather it seems natural that he is acting the way that he is. I mean how many times do you get possessed by an evil serial killer? Julie is probably the most likable character and Rebecca Gibney plays her in turn with enthusiasm and caution. The actress towards the end is a little weak. There is a twist, not totally surprising, but I didn”t really believe that what takes place actually happens.

    13 Gantry Row is a good little ghost and possession tale and Bloofer Lady really enjoys being scared by it. It will probably make you stare at that stain that’s growing on your wall all night long.

You can buy 13 Gantry Row here: Horror Movie Empire

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

The idea of house arrest always seemed somewhat appealing to me. Being forced to stay inside your house, watch movies all day  and get your groceries delivered? Count me in! However- and that is a big however- the idea gets slightly less appealing the minute you bring a violent ghost into the mix. And if that ghost just happens to be your abusive husband that you killed- well, good luck to you.

100 Feet is about a woman named Marnie (Played by former evil bond girl, Famke Janssen) who after being released from prison following the murder of her husband is sentenced to a period of house arrest. In case you were worried that she never got to say goodbye to her old house- blood stain included- don’t, because she gets to move right back in. The cop on the case, Shanks (Bobby Cannavale who probably had other roles but I will always know him as the “Funky Spunk” guy from Sex & the City)  just happens to be her husbands partner–conflict of interest much? Yeah. He’s pretty pissed about the fact that Marnie killed his partner and treats her like the B word he believes her to be. Apparently no one in this movie believes in self defense or the concept of domestic abuse–which might make the film scarier than what’s actually in it.

So it’s not long before Marnie gets settled in, strapped to the magical anklet that makes sure she stays confined to 100 feet within the house (a giant plot hole when you do some quick guesstimation inside your head) and she finally paints over that pesky blood stain on the wall! She meets a “cute” ? delivery boy, (Gossip Girl’s Ed Westwick ) and even finds a cute cat hiding under her bed (bonus!) and a not so cute homeless man hiding in her basement (gross!). Then sure enough she soon realizes that although she killed the man that abused her- he may still be around. The ghost of her husband turns out to be violent and grows increasingly so the closer she comes to disposing  all of his possessions. Will Marnie be able to escape with her life like she did the first time? Not if her husband is one of those uncharacteristically strong ghosts that can physically tear people apart!

Although the movie has some decent scares in it- it’s two biggest drawbacks for me came with the acting and the terrible special effects. The acting is deeply hurt by the high volume of fake Staten Island accents. Well I guess the funky spunk guys accent could have been real because he seems that douchey, but pretending to believe that Famke Janssen has a Staten Island accent is like pretending to believe that Lady GaGa doesn’t secretly have a wiener. And don’t get me started on Ed Westwick. Hearing him talk about his hard life in Staten Island, and later finding out he served 6 months in juvie for grand theft auto? Pfffffffft hilarious.

Now perhaps it isn’t really the actor’s faults- but the writing was pretty atrocious. Take Shanks for example. One minute he’s calling her a bitch, and yelling at her that she should think about what she did to his “poor” partner and in the next scene he’s apologizing and telling her that he’d do anything to protect her? Ummm where did that dynamic change in character come from? His emotions go from one high to the other and there’s no in between or transformation. It just doesn’t work.

The special effects on the other hand….yikes. I like to think that unless you are Patrick Swayze’s (r.i.p.)  character from Ghost, then you don’t have the power to toss people about, and kill them by dismantling their body- or punching them to a pulp. The “ghost” in this is laughable and it’s an honest truth that the homeless man in the basement was 20 times scarier. Every time the ghost punched someone he’d get CGI blood on his face, making his face becoming more visible. How mystical! It was just poorly done to the nines, and extremely distracting.

Although the story is interesting enough it just sadly is not executed well at all. The concept of an abused woman continuing to be abused by her husband who is now dead is very startling- but like I said earlier the real startling aspect is that no one believed her. She still got labeled as a “cop killer”  and virtually every one that she knew now wants nothing to do with her. Furthermore, the movie really did nothing to settle or resolve that horribleness- making me think the whole concept was overlooked.

Sure there are a few jumps and thrills, and an exciting sex scene for anyone obsessed with that retched kid from Gossip Girl- but overall this one is best left for the slumber parties.

Buy 100 Feet At Horror Movie Empire

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest