Horror Movie Empire.com Reviews

So here we are again my friends with another death match on the horizon. This time we are putting Michael Myers against Jason Voorhees and big knife against big knife. Unlike Freddy vs Pinhead, where super natural ability and the ability to not be annoying played a major role in my decision, Jason and Michael are both mute, use a knife, and are kind of boring, so deciding who will win is going to be much harder. Will it come down to knife size? Who has bigger mommy/daddy/sister issues? Or whose legacy was more destroyed by a remake? Better mask? We will have to wait and see. Let the Death Match begin!

Michael Myers

Strictly talking the original films here, we start off knowing very little about Michael’s actual history. He apparently murdered his own sister, landing him in a mental institution of which he escaped 15 years later so that he could terrorize and murder more teenagers. He is what is referred to as the embodiment of  ”pure evil”  and he wears a William Shatner mask. He also has some kind of wheeze/asthma (probably due to the fact that there is no breathing hole in the mask) and carries your standard kitchen knife. His motive is pretty understandable as he searches in vain for his younger sister Laurie Strode- losing her or her daughter every single time. I’ve always wondered…maybe he just wanted to make amends, and recapture that strange thing called a family he once had. Who said he was ever going to kill them? He clearly just wanted an excuse to finally be able to celebrate Christmas. Regardless- he is still pitted as the “ultimate evil” and is unable to die at the hands of human weapons. He also probably smells.

Jason Voorhees

Absent from most of the first Friday the 13th, Jason is the product of his mother’s complete anguish and rage. A young boy who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake due to the untimely decision of the camp counselors to have sex while he was drowning- he is avenged in the first film by his crazy mother.
Although appearing in the first film as both a memory and a hallucination, Jason doesn’t become the primary antagonist until the 2nd film- where he stalks Alice due to the little fact that she decapitated his mother. From that moment on Jason seems to finish his mother’s work, killing off all annoying teenagers who partake in that evil act of SEX! Primary weapon: machete. M.O. : Momma’s Boy.  He too, is most likely smelly.

So let’s talk psychological history shall we? In a study done by California State University, participants dubbed Michael Myers a manifestation of pure evil due to the fact of his mental insanity. Crazy people scare the bejesus out of most people because they cannot comprehend their actions. There may be no logical reason why Michael Myers does the things he does or why he feels no emotion and kills anyone that gets in his way. Of course it is because he’s trying to get to Laurie but most people just see him as one crazy mother fucker which therefore=evil.

Jason however doesn’t have the clearest of motives or “evil” brooding and marinating inside his head. Rather, Jason is just doing what he thinks that decapitated head of his mother’s is telling him to do. Sure this basically renders him crazy as well, but only because he’s probably semi…mentally retarded. Look, it’s no real secret that when Jason emerges from the water at the end of the first movie that he looks kind of like that weirdo hick kid in Deliverance who plays the guitar (or Sloth from Goonies if you really want to be mean). Why was he even out swimming in the middle of the lake in the first place- and why was he swimming out there if he can’t even swim?!

Also what the hell was he doing all those years while he aged into a fully grown man? Things are just weird. I guess he could technically be crazy, but to me he’s just a weirdo, obsessed with his mother’s rotting head. The whole “manifestation of evil” doesn’t apply to him in the same way. “Manifestation of a really strong momma’s Boy”? Maybe. Which wait a minute! Where and how did Jason build up his strength in the middle of the woods anyways? I smell a rat.

Now moving onto murder weapons, Jason clearly has the upper hand. The machete is a far more powerful weapon as it has the ability to be swung and do quite a bit of damage. Putting aside the strange fact that it doesn’t really make sense why the camp cook had a machete and not a kitchen knife, (Other then to just top whatever Michael Myers had) if the battle was knife against machete then Jason would probably win. Neither of the two are really very mobile- so no one can really out sneak or out maneuver the other while duking it out. Therefore whoever has better knife skills will probably win. However neither really has any “knife skills” they just kind of…stick their victims with their weapons, and so in this case Jason would clearly win. Although he might take longer to swing- resulting in Michael to stab him in the gut–but like I said both are pretty slow on the uptake so I don’t see that happening.

In regards to which mask will allow for better breathing capabilities, Jason again wins…well depending on which sequel. The burlap sack can only really provide full blown asphyxiation but the hockey mask has several holes that will allow for breathing to thrive should the need to run ever arise. Michael’s mask is severely lacking in both peripheral vision and breathing, so if this death match ever evolves into a running/chasing/hiding contest he will unfortunately be dead within a few minutes.

As much as I hated both remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th, the win unfortunately goes to Jason here. Rob Zombie’s remake killed one of the greatest things about Michael Myers- his pure evil. RZ shoved the character of little Michael down our throats and barely gave us time to swallow. Little Michael Myers was kind of nice, and just had a bad childhood????????????????????????????????????? The amount of question marks there is directly correlating to my anger. You can’t become pure evil because you had a bad childhood. YOU JUST ARE EVIL. God damn you Rob Zombie- you made Michael Myers into almost a bigger sissy/momma’s boy then Jason.

Oh damn it- all of my points make Jason the winner, how can this be?! As I said earlier the real outcome of this death match can only really be predicted by…luck and personal taste I guess. As someone who kind of really hates Jason Voorhees, I’m having a hard time trying to be objective here….because when I do Jason always wins! But screw this I’m going subjective and I’m going hard so here’s the deal. Jason Voorhees is a pansy ass momma’s boy. He would not have come into his evil existence had it not been for his crazy mother’s death. Michael Myers has always been and will continue to be, evil. There was no rotting head telling him what to do, or some dog disguised as the devil telling him why he needed to kill people. Michael Myers just went ahead and did it. That, my friends is all the explanation I need to make the decision that Michael Myers is the better man, killer, and defender of slasher films.

Make whatever decision you must, but just know that Michael Myers is 10 times better than Jason will ever be. He’s killing for himself, not his mother, and although Rob Zombie made a bigger mess of his legacy, he is still strong enough to survive despite those shenanigans. Long live Michael Myers and when the time for the death match begins, just insult Jason’s mother long enough to make him cry and then stab the crap out of his dumb trollish face. Thank you.

Vote now for the winner on the side bar! The winner of the death match gets all of their DVDs marked down by 13%! Pick Michael. Do it. Just kidding  : )

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 27th, 2010 at 11:56 AM and is filed under Death Matches. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.