Thursday, September 09, 2010 04:09

DEATH MATCH: THE WOLFMAN VS. THE MUMMY

March 7th, 2010

    CREATION

    Since the Wolfman is a werewolf he is obviously created by another one. He is either scratched or bitten by one and then when the moon turns full he too is big and furry. Legend actually dictates that the moon has nothing to do with him turning so maybe of he’s pissed off or just having a bad day he could turn then also! The Mummy, in the movies, is cursed to roam the earth forever because he has basically offended the gods in one way or another. Sometimes he plots to kill the pharaoh and at other times he tried to raise his dead loved one. Whatever the cause he is wrapped in bandages and is shut into a tomb for thousands of years before being discovered. Now, that can’t be any fun at all! I am going to have to go with the Mummy on this one because his origins are just way more horrific in my opinion.

    ABILITY TO BLEND IN

    When the Wolfman turns into a wolf-like creature it is quite obvious that he is not human. If he was to bound down a crowded city street then everybody would know that he is a dangerous beast bent on killing and maiming. This doesn’t give him much of an advantage at all because he can be killed rather quickly by somebody if they happen to have a gun with silver bullets. Then again, how many people actually own silver bullets? The Mummy also has this same problem. If he was to lurch down a street people would run away in terror, yet he doesn’t kill people for just the hell of it. He only usually kills people if they stand in the way of him reuniting with his long lost love. I would have to say that people wouldn’t have to be too afraid of him. The only way he could completely blend in and be thought harmless would be if he happened to be visiting a museum or just pretended he was a missing mummy or something like that. This one goes to the Mummy, because he can play dead quite easily and get away with it.

    PHYSICAL STRENGTH

    Our friend the Wolfman is quite strong and can break a man’s spine like a twig. Not only that he can run very fast and leap to great heights. If he’s after you you’re pretty much screwed, sorry to say. The Mummy is quite strong but doesn’t have the speed to really do much damage. He isn’t really given any strength despite the fact that he is thousands of years old. I find this quite sad and like seeing the character kick some ass in the newer Mummy series of films. The Wolfman wins this one.

    SUPERNATURAL POWERS

    The Wolfman really has no supernatural powers besides turning into a werewolf. I mean people don’t often turn into beats, right? This allows him to tear people to shreds quite easily. However, letting the beast take over can have negative effects. It points you out as being a monster automatically and you will have villagers trying to kill you left and right. So, even though the Wolfman is a supernatural beastie he really has no control over what happens to him. The Mummy has been alive for thousands of years and this is supernatural in itself. Besides that though he really doesn’t have any other power besides his ability to make women faint at the site of him. This one has to go to the Wolfman, for the simple fact that he does have a rather powerful supernatural power.

    WEAKNESSES

    Since the Wolfman is in fact a werewolf he has many weaknesses. According to folklore the poor guy has an aversion to wolfsbane. I would imagine that it would be rather disheartening to have something you are allergic to actually named after you! Besides that it is also stated that rye and mistletoe are effective against him. I guess you would place some about the place and the guy wouldn’t be able to get in. Then, there is the whole silver allergy that he has. This in fact a rather recent invention so can silver bullets really stop him or not? I wouldn’t want to find that out! The Mummy, on the other hand, is quite slow moving and has a real tendency to crumble. Also, his main weakness are women that look like his true long lost love. Every single time he sees one he’ll stop what he’s doing and just stare at her. So, if you get followed by him and have a female friend stick her in between you and the mummy and see what happens. The Wolfman wins this round.

    ON BEING DESTROYED

    The Wolfman can be destroyed by shooting him with silver bullets, but I imagine some sort of fatal wound such as a decapitation would also do the trick since he kind of needs that to breath and stuff. He can heal more quickly than humans but he isn’t totally immortal so in the end he can be destroyed. The mummy is pretty impervious to being stabbed and shot at but then again his slow movements really don’t help him. If somebody comes after him with an axe he can’t exactly move out of the way and run fast. The only mummy that I have seen that could get away in the movies is Imhotep from the newer Mummy series of films. He’s pretty much a bad ass that can direct storms, sand and other supernatural type forced. Killing him in particular would be much more difficult and time consuming. I am going to have to go with the Wolfman on this one because his character is more consistent in films and there is a bit of folklore behind him.

    When it comes to a battle I feel that the Wolfman would win simply because he could tear apart the Mummy. I really love the Mummy but the poor little guy wouldn’t stand a chance.

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

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13 Seconds

March 2nd, 2010

Indie horror movies are like a thorn in my side right now. Sure now and again we’ll find something that is amazing–like Ink perhaps, but going back and watching these awful movies really makes me value crappy B-movie sequels and possibly even….The Twilight Saga. But in all honesty, as the old adage goes–just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you have a video camera, does not make you a director. And unfortunately horror movies may get the worst of that- since most people think all you need for a horror movies is blood. (Good acting? Psssah!) This results in grade F movies, also known as the most painful and agonizing hour and 30 minutes of my life.

13 Seconds is about an annoying rock group who decides to record their new album in an abandoned school kind of place. Soon bad things start happening and people die. That’s about all I got out of it anyways.

I will say that there a few surprisingly creepy images delivered from time to time. Things like bald albino demons, dead bodies in body bags, and really spindly thin Nosferatu fingers creeping out from underneath beds. Things like this may have been the only redeeming factor- although the movie was just so awful in the rest of it that I could not for the life of me keep my eyes open.

Here is what is so atrocious. The acting and writing are some of the worst I have ever seen in my entire life. Lines are uttered that are so unnatural and so laughably bad it’s a wonder the entire crew didn’t walk out the minute they read the script. How this movie got distributed to places like Blockbuster, we’ll never know. Horrible lines followed by even worse standardized close ups, make for a constant cringe effect from the viewers.

Next, the music is the same few notes plunked out by what is no doubt some kind of Casio keyboard that try to elicit a creepy vibe. Repetitive and badly done keyboard music does not elicit creepiness–only death in the form of headache. People get killed for no good reason, we lose track of which character is the fat guy—because there are 10 of them. And I’m sorry but I can’t take a lead character seriously if it’s a dude wearing a skirt. It’s not punk rock to me it’s called embarrassment.

Finally one of the greatest laugh out loud moments comes in the form of something the Netflix description said, “After the band finds a series of gruesome artwork…”. Hmmmm gruesome eh? I must admit my interest was temporarily peaked. That is until said gruesome pictures were revealed, and our main girl said and I quote, “Wow. That is pretty gruesome” Pan to “gruesome picture” a photograph of one of the characters super imposed on a badly drawn canvas of “demon” arms. Soooo gruesome you guys.

So if you haven’t figured it out stay far away from this. Despite the few instances of creepy images, nothing can save this abomination of a movie from holding a place in my worst movies ever list.

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

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HOUSE OF MORTAL SIN (AKA THE CONFESSIONAL)

February 28th, 2010

1976 Pete Walker Production

    Jenny (Susan Penhaligon) goes to a Catholic church to look for Father Bernard (Norman Eshley), an old friend she had just been reunited with. While there she goes to the confessional where insane priest Father Xavier (Anthony Sharp) becomes obsessed with her and a whole series of events lead to a ghastly end.

    The House Of Mortal Sin is a really strange film, but I like it. There is nothing like seeing a Catholic priest going about doing insane things, let me tell you! Some of the actions of the characters don’t make much sense and some of the direction is weak, but it is a good time. As with other Pete Walker films it is shocking on purpose and strives to disturb the viewer.

    The screenplay for this film is by Pete Walker and David McGillivray who also collaborated on the films House Of Whipcord and Frightmare, so if you have seen either of those two movies you pretty much know what you are in for. I really do like the idea of a mad priest being a total fanatical maniac, but if he has been this way long before this film even takes place then why hadn’t he been thrown in a mental institution by then? I guess you can get away with a lot of things if you are part of the Catholic Church, right? The reason why Father Xavier becomes obsessed with Jenny and his actions at the very end of the film don’t really make much sense to me. What he tells his housekeeper Miss Brabazon (Sheila Keith) during this pivotal point is either a total lie or he goes even more nuts than he is already. Considering how mad he is in the first place I don’t know how the character goes about without drooling and laughing maniacally. The way that people are killed in this film are pretty funny, I mean how many times to you get to see somebody get murdered by a swinging incense burner, or by a poisoned communion wafer? I’m really suprsied that Walker and McGillivray didn’t get a lot of flack for all of the anti-Catholic sentment in this film, because it’s kind of easy to tell that they were sort of aiming for that.

    Of course, Pete Walker directed this and as usual there are some useless closeups and some cuts that make no sense. I think that is part of the charm of his films though, because they are usually not entirely badly made so the flaws can be cancelled out by something else. In this case I think the death scenes are probably the best filmed. He really focuses on the character’s face while they are dying which could turn into a comical type of thing but it doesn’t. Okay, being chocked by a string of rosary beads is kind of funny in a macabre way, but the look on the victim’s face is actually quite disturbing and blood trickles from the corner of their mouth. This makes me wonder if you can actually do that, because wouldn’t the beads themselves break? Then there is a scene in which a character has boiling coffee thrown into their face and blood flows from between their fingers as they cover themselves in pain. I have been wondering if the blood is coming from the eyes or nose, but no matter it looks quite gruesome!

    Father Xavier is played quite deftly by Anthony Sharp who may look familiar because he was in a ton of BBC productions. He actually makes the character kind of sympathetic through the way he plays him, and it really creeps me out how lecherous he is. Sharp may look like some sort of typical English country gentleman but he plays the sexually repressed preist rather well! Both Stephanie Beacham and Susan Penhaligon who play sisters Vanessa and Jenny seem a little weak but I think it’s because of the way their characters are written. Beacham is usually pretty good in the horror films she has been in so I am just going to consider her whole part in this a fluke. I don’t think she really knew whether to play the character seriously or more hip. Lastly I would like to mention Sheila Keith’s turn as Miss Brabazon. No matter what part this woman plays she freaks the crap out of me. I don’t know whether it’s because of her physical appearance or her gestures or what, but she always creeps me out. That’s a very good thing!

    If you like English horror films this one is worth watching and it may even cause you to watch even more Pete Walker films. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

You can buy House Of Mortal Sin at Horror Movie Empire.

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

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DELIRIUM: PHOTO OF GIOIA

February 28th, 2010

    Gioia (Serena Grandi) is an ex-model turned girlie magazine owner who seems to be the focus of attention when it comes to some gruesome murders happening to those around her. Is she going to be next or will the sadist be killed and stopped in time?

    Delirium is a pretty gosh darn good giallo and has plenty of boobies and gore to keep the attention of people with some really bad cases of ADD. The screenplay itself isn’t bad and I while watching it I couldn’t quite guess who the murderer was until towards the very end. I generally like Lamberto Bava’s films and this one is no different.

    The screenplay is written by Gianfranco Clerico and Daniele Stroppa and it has enough twists and turns to make it interesting, plus some really oddball characters. Gioia has this really strange neighbor in a wheelchair named Mark (Karl Zinny) who witnesses the first murder, and it’s shades of Rear Window, except that he’s really creepy and keeps calling her on the phone. Why she puts up with him, I have no idea because in my opinion the guy needs to jack off to some porn videos or something. Then there is Flora (Capucine) who discovered Gioia when she first become a model. She’s a really bitter lesbian who wants to buy Pussycat, Gioia’s girlie mag, from her and who has her assistant walking around her house half naked. I guess that’s what makes the story realy interesting are these weirdos because I don’t think that the story would be as interesting without them. The reasoning behind the killer’s motive is pretty damn twisted, but perhaps a little understandable at the end once you learn more about the background of Gioia. I can appreciate the fact that they actually give some reasoning to it rather than just some random masked person going around offing people. Interestingly, Clerico also wrote New York Ripper and the Cannibal Holocaust. The second one I don’t recommend at all so don’t even go there!

    Lamberto Bava shot some very interesting and very strange scenes in this film. Every single time the killer is stalking a victim everything turns red, as if his anger is clouding his judgement. Not only that but two of the victims also have strange faces only seen by the killer right before they go after them. I think it’s some sort of symbolism for the killer and what they represent according to them. I suppose it reflects their neurosis pretty well, but it’s quite strange seeing somebody walking about with a giant eye for a face. There is one dream sequence involving Gioia, Mark, and what I think is a magic wand. If you don’t know what one is look it up and get back to me. Found out? Good! I must say that I have never seen one used in a horror film before and the whole scene being filmed in the blue light of the wand is kind of hot I must admit. Yes, Bloofer Lady has some issues! The effects are pretty good and there is a good amount of gore, my favorite scene including it is when some blood from a certain injured ‘private part’ pumps onto poor Gioia. If I was a guy I might now like that scene as much I suppose!

    Make no mistake Serena Grandi has a nice pair of tits but she can actually act, so that makes feeling sorry for Gioia rather easy. That’s really important because if the poor dear had a case of the Keanu Reeves then the whole plot wouldn’t work at all. There are quite a few familiar faces in this if you watch a lot of Italian gialli or horror films. David Brandon, who plays gay photographer Roberto, is also in Stage Fright. His character is a pretty likable guy but I didn’t guess that he is supposed to be gay at all until we are told he is. I really shouldn’t have to tell you what the hell else Daria Nicolodi has been in besides playing Evelyn in this. This character isn’t really any different from all of the other characters she has played and I have begun to notice that she uses the same gestures in every single role. No, really she does! Do I have too much time on my hands to be noticing such a thing? Quite possibly! Karl Zinny, who plays the pervy Mark, is also in Demons, which of course is yet another Lamberto Bava film. He really looks like he is enjoying himself playing Mark, perhaps a bit too much. He’s really heavy handed with the smirk and attitude and by the end of the film so I really want to kick him in the nuts for being an obnoxious twat.

    Well, Bloofer Lady thinks that Delirium is a lot of fun despite, or because, of the wacky characters and boobies. It makes me want to get a new bra and second guess the perversity of adolescent males in wheelchairs.

You can buy Delirium at Horror Movie Empire.

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

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DEATH MATCH: Jason vs Michael

February 27th, 2010

So here we are again my friends with another death match on the horizon. This time we are putting Michael Myers against Jason Voorhees and big knife against big knife. Unlike Freddy vs Pinhead, where super natural ability and the ability to not be annoying played a major role in my decision, Jason and Michael are both mute, use a knife, and are kind of boring, so deciding who will win is going to be much harder. Will it come down to knife size? Who has bigger mommy/daddy/sister issues? Or whose legacy was more destroyed by a remake? Better mask? We will have to wait and see. Let the Death Match begin!

Michael Myers


Strictly talking the original films here, we start off knowing very little about Michael’s actual history. He apparently murdered his own sister, landing him in a mental institution of which he escaped 15 years later so that he could terrorize and murder more teenagers. He is what is referred to as the embodiment of  ”pure evil”  and he wears a William Shatner mask. He also has some kind of wheeze/asthma (probably due to the fact that there is no breathing hole in the mask) and carries your standard kitchen knife. His motive is pretty understandable as he searches in vain for his younger sister Laurie Strode- losing her or her daughter every single time. I’ve always wondered…maybe he just wanted to make amends, and recapture that strange thing called a family he once had. Who said he was ever going to kill them? He clearly just wanted an excuse to finally be able to celebrate Christmas. Regardless- he is still pitted as the “ultimate evil” and is unable to die at the hands of human weapons. He also probably smells.

Jason Voorhees


Absent from most of the first Friday the 13th, Jason is the product of his mother’s complete anguish and rage. A young boy who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake due to the untimely decision of the camp counselors to have sex while he was drowning- he is avenged in the first film by his crazy mother.
Although appearing in the first film as both a memory and a hallucination, Jason doesn’t become the primary antagonist until the 2nd film- where he stalks Alice due to the little fact that she decapitated his mother. From that moment on Jason seems to finish his mother’s work, killing off all annoying teenagers who partake in that evil act of SEX! Primary weapon: machete. M.O. : Momma’s Boy.  He too, is most likely smelly.

So let’s talk psychological history shall we? In a study done by California State University, participants dubbed Michael Myers a manifestation of pure evil due to the fact of his mental insanity. Crazy people scare the bejesus out of most people because they cannot comprehend their actions. There may be no logical reason why Michael Myers does the things he does or why he feels no emotion and kills anyone that gets in his way. Of course it is because he’s trying to get to Laurie but most people just see him as one crazy mother fucker which therefore=evil.

Jason however doesn’t have the clearest of motives or “evil” brooding and marinating inside his head. Rather, Jason is just doing what he thinks that decapitated head of his mother’s is telling him to do. Sure this basically renders him crazy as well, but only because he’s probably semi…mentally retarded. Look, it’s no real secret that when Jason emerges from the water at the end of the first movie that he looks kind of like that weirdo hick kid in Deliverance who plays the guitar (or Sloth from Goonies if you really want to be mean). Why was he even out swimming in the middle of the lake in the first place- and why was he swimming out there if he can’t even swim?!

Also what the hell was he doing all those years while he aged into a fully grown man? Things are just weird. I guess he could technically be crazy, but to me he’s just a weirdo, obsessed with his mother’s rotting head. The whole “manifestation of evil” doesn’t apply to him in the same way. “Manifestation of a really strong momma’s Boy”? Maybe. Which wait a minute! Where and how did Jason build up his strength in the middle of the woods anyways? I smell a rat.

Now moving onto murder weapons, Jason clearly has the upper hand. The machete is a far more powerful weapon as it has the ability to be swung and do quite a bit of damage. Putting aside the strange fact that it doesn’t really make sense why the camp cook had a machete and not a kitchen knife, (Other then to just top whatever Michael Myers had) if the battle was knife against machete then Jason would probably win. Neither of the two are really very mobile- so no one can really out sneak or out maneuver the other while duking it out. Therefore whoever has better knife skills will probably win. However neither really has any “knife skills” they just kind of…stick their victims with their weapons, and so in this case Jason would clearly win. Although he might take longer to swing- resulting in Michael to stab him in the gut–but like I said both are pretty slow on the uptake so I don’t see that happening.

In regards to which mask will allow for better breathing capabilities, Jason again wins…well depending on which sequel. The burlap sack can only really provide full blown asphyxiation but the hockey mask has several holes that will allow for breathing to thrive should the need to run ever arise. Michael’s mask is severely lacking in both peripheral vision and breathing, so if this death match ever evolves into a running/chasing/hiding contest he will unfortunately be dead within a few minutes.

As much as I hated both remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th, the win unfortunately goes to Jason here. Rob Zombie’s remake killed one of the greatest things about Michael Myers- his pure evil. RZ shoved the character of little Michael down our throats and barely gave us time to swallow. Little Michael Myers was kind of nice, and just had a bad childhood????????????????????????????????????? The amount of question marks there is directly correlating to my anger. You can’t become pure evil because you had a bad childhood. YOU JUST ARE EVIL. God damn you Rob Zombie- you made Michael Myers into almost a bigger sissy/momma’s boy then Jason.

Oh damn it- all of my points make Jason the winner, how can this be?! As I said earlier the real outcome of this death match can only really be predicted by…luck and personal taste I guess. As someone who kind of really hates Jason Voorhees, I’m having a hard time trying to be objective here….because when I do Jason always wins! But screw this I’m going subjective and I’m going hard so here’s the deal. Jason Voorhees is a pansy ass momma’s boy. He would not have come into his evil existence had it not been for his crazy mother’s death. Michael Myers has always been and will continue to be, evil. There was no rotting head telling him what to do, or some dog disguised as the devil telling him why he needed to kill people. Michael Myers just went ahead and did it. That, my friends is all the explanation I need to make the decision that Michael Myers is the better man, killer, and defender of slasher films.

Make whatever decision you must, but just know that Michael Myers is 10 times better than Jason will ever be. He’s killing for himself, not his mother, and although Rob Zombie made a bigger mess of his legacy, he is still strong enough to survive despite those shenanigans. Long live Michael Myers and when the time for the death match begins, just insult Jason’s mother long enough to make him cry and then stab the crap out of his dumb trollish face. Thank you.

Vote now for the winner on the side bar! The winner of the death match gets all of their DVDs marked down by 13%! Pick Michael. Do it. Just kidding  : )

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

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1408

February 23rd, 2010

As John Cusack’s character Mike Enslin states, hotel rooms really are one of the creepiest places on the block. Who knows what devilish deeds, and vile bodily fluids were strewn across the very bed you are lying in? Murders, accidental deaths, suicides, break ups, prostitution stings- the list of possibilities is both endless and creepy. So what happens when that hotel room becomes the villain in a horror movie? In all actuality you get The Shining but in this case the answer is 1408, the less attractive and not as cool brother.

Based on the short story by Stephen King, 1408 tells the tale of author Mike Enslin. A skeptic who writes novels about supposed haunted places across the country- in all cases coming up with nothing that shakes him to his core. That is until he receives a postcard about the Dolphin Hotel and a warning about room 1408. After doing research and talking to the manager, Enslin finds that the room has been held accountable for over 50 deaths and that anyone who stays there lasts no longer than 60 minutes. Not easily shaken, Enslin enters the room despite the harsh pleading the manager gives him. After only a few moments in the room it becomes violently clear that the room holds a certain evil within the walls, and that Mike Enslin will be forced to become a believer before long.

While 1408 is not a horrible movie by any means, there are still things I find extremely distracting. The biggest one for me is the effect of the “ghosts” in the room. They look like blue holograms and do little to spook the viewer- in fact they even made me laugh at one point. I also found there to be very little actual frightening moments, which I found surprising coming from a Stephen King story. One reviewer on a message board referred to the movie as a terrifying story where all the scary parts were taken out. As someone who has not read the short story, I can’t really vouch for this- but I can say that I felt truly scared little to no times during the entirety of the film. There’s a certain claustrophobia that should have been felt, but I found that it was replaced with glaring CGI effects and the downright ridiculous acting skills of John Cusack. I realize I may be in the minority, but can someone tell me what exactly the appeal of John Cusack is? I find him to be annoying and distracting and he kind of looks like a muppet. He bothers me and I know that’s probably just  personal taste but it really busted my chops!

The other major downfall is the completely ridiculous and long ending. I really hate movies where everything makes sense and then suddenly we are plunged back into madness and forced to relive a new and different ending that does little to help anything. There are also two different endings, one original, bleak ending and one ending that was made to appease those that felt the ending was too much of a downer. I believe I saw the downer ending but to be honest I was so mad over the 1st false ending and relief that I didn’t give a crap what the rest of the movie was like. It was so jarring and instead of plunging me back into the same madness and claustrophobic atmosphere that John Cusack was, it just distracted me and made me want to turn the movie off.

All in all there are a few decent moments, some creepy atmospheric touches and a tiny bit of humor. Not enough to make me love it- but I didn’t necessarily detest it either. I just wish it paid more attention to the actual fear in the room rather than John Cusack’s star power. I guess we can’t have it all!

Buy 1408 at Horror Movie Empire!

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

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SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER

February 22nd, 2010

2004 Satan’s Little Company

    Little Dougie (Alexander Brickel) loves Halloween and is dressed up as the video game character Satan’s Little Helper. When he finds a man in a costume who claims to be Satan his dreams come true, but at what cost?

Satan’s Little Helper is one of the best independent horror films I have ever seen. It is just so messed up and hysterical what is happening through the whole film that I can’t help but love it. It’s very original and well made, which is very rare combination in the independent horror genre of films.

    Jeff Liberman penned the screenplay for this and it has one of the most twisted plots I have ever seen. Dougie spends the majority of the film following around a guy dressed up in a devil type costume who is murdering people. Not only does this kid think that it’s all some sort of fun game but he really gets into what the guy is doing and even tells him to kill his sister Jenna’s (Katheryn Winnick) boyfriend Alex (Stephen Graham). We are given hints as to who the murderer really is throughout the whole film but it is never completely confirmed. In fact I like that aspect of it because you get to use your imagination and perhaps, just perhaps, that guy is really Satan after all. The entire film takes place in a community called Bell Island and during one point in the film everybody is going around robbing places and such, which is pretty hysterical since the place looks like something out of Leave It To Beaver. The characters are pretty well written and actually likable, so when they start getting maimed I actually care about what is happening to them. The Satan character may be fun to watch but by golly he’s not a very nice fellow! The ending of the film is quite chilling and let’s you kind of ponder what exactly happens next.

    This is directed by Jeff Liberman and he does a pretty damn good job. There are no major mistakes, as often seen in independent movies, and some of the scenes filmed are downright hysterical. At one point Satan takes Dougie on a wild ride in a shopping cart hitting a pregnant woman, a priest, a blind man and a baby. Not only that but you also get to hear the baby cry after it is hit! Yes, it is in slightly bad taste but that is what is so funny about it. There is one scene in this that really disturbed me and that’s because it involves a kitty cat and is quite graphic. In fact it made me cringe more than the scenes in which people are killed, so if you are an animal lover make sure you cover your eyes during it. One really strangely filmed scene is during a costume party in which people just kind of stand around while watching poor Merrill (Amanda Plummer) being semi tortured by the Satan guy. It’s kind of surreal but I can actually believe a bunch of drunk idiots thinking that it’s a whole costume gimmick! The camera follows Jenna trying to rescue her, all the while dressed in a big chicken costume that stands out from the other guests. People get offed in a variety of different ways including a homage to the beginning of The Omen, if you catch my drift! There is a good amount of blood in this but it isn’t over the top or meant to be gratuitous in nature. Yes, there are some boobies be if you blink long enough you will probably miss them.

    The first time I watched this film I couldn’t believe that Amanada Plummer plays the mother Merrill, because she has been in so many cool films and TV shows over the years like The Prophecy, and some very good episodes of The Outer Limits. I like how she plays the mom slightly ditsy and I think she would actually be a very cool mom to have after watching this! Alexander Brickel really does a good job playing little Dougie. Most of the film involves him in one way or another so if he was bad the film really wouldn’t work at all. It must have been fun as hell, no pun intended, for him to play this role. The rest of the actors are okay, but not quite on the same level as the two I just mentioned. Oh, I should also mention Joshua Annex who is the man who actually playas Satan in this. He is in a mask the entire time and that couldn’t have been very fun so I give him a thumbs up for that alone.

    Bloofer Lady thinks that this original independent horror film should be seen by all aspiring amateur horror film makers as an example of what works.

You can buy Satan’s Little Helper at Horror Movie Empire.

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

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SLITHER

February 22nd, 2010

2006 Gold Circle Films

    A meteor lands near the hick town of Wheelsy and unleashes an alien life form bend on taking over the planet. Will policeman Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion) and various other townspeople be able to stop the contagion before it’s too late?

    This film is funny as hell and very well made! It’s style removes it from the field of utter crap that litters the horror genre these days. The screenplay comes together well, the direction is quite good, and the special effects are very spiffy. Plus the acting itself isn’t too shabby! All of these things bring the film together and make it into something that Bloofer Lady very much enjoys; a fun horror and sci-fi romp through a hick town!

    Slither is written by James Gunn and it’s a B movie style film done well. It comes across as a homage to such movies as the original Blob, which also features a meteor from outer space that crashes to Earth. I really love the whole idea of every single fast moving alien slug in this being a part of the consciousness of one being. When Kylie (Tania Saulnier) is attacked by one going into her mouth she sees the memories of it when it was on a different planet doing exactly the same thing that is going on around her. I think this really gives some depth to the story, because we are actually given some background about the alien besides it being a killing machine. Also, near the ending we are shown that the poor thing is actually a rather lonely being, which makes me feel kind of sorry for the poor thing. So, the alien actually has his own arc of development, which really isn’t seen to often in a horror film. Instead we are usually given a monster who is simply evil and that’s it. The dialogue is very funny! When Starla (Elizabeth Banks) asks Grant (Michael Rooker) what’s wrong with him he answers ‘It’s just a bee sting!’. From all of the misshapen bumps on his head it obviously isn’t and that’s what makes it so hysterical.

    Besides writing the screenplay Mr. Gunn also directed this. From the opening credits he really does a creative job and there are several scenes that really stand out in my opinion. When the first person is attacked by one of the slugs we are shown an x ray shot of them as they are lying on the ground. This automatically tells out how it manifests itself without us having to sit through an explanation of how they operate by a scientist or another type of character like that. What really cracks me up is the part when dainty looking Elizabeth attacks one of the humans possessed by the slug by impaling it by the lights of a cop car and the body twitches like mad crazy! It’s brutal because the camera focuses so much upon it, yet funny because the looks on the other characters faces are incredulous. There are some really crazy looking effects in this, both CGI and those made the old fashioned way. The CGI doesn’t look too bad, and almost all of the slugs are created this way accept for in some of the scenes in which they are actually handled by the characters. The final scene is really disgusting because humans are being absorbed into a big blob of pulsating alien flesh. We are actually shown somebody joining into it and it remind me of when silly putty is stretched out a lot. There is a ton of gore, decapitations and various out nasty things that go on that will satisfy any gore hound watching this.

    What is usually wrong with modern horror films is that the acting isn’t quite up to snuff, but Slither doesn’t suffer from that annoying syndrome. Jack MacReady, the town’s mayor played by Gregg Henry, is my favorite character just because he plays the jackass perfectly. There are politicians like the character around where Bloofer Lady lives so I give him a huge thumbs up! He’s a character actor that has been on a ton of TV shows and movie such as Body Double. Nathan Fillion is pretty good as policeman Bill Pardy, who is the hero of the story. The character carries a torch for Elizabeth and Fillion translates that very well with his actions. Actually, if he had played him just a little more creepy he would have been my favorite actor in this. Brenda James, who plays Brenda, looks very much like Hillary Duff in this which was a little off putting I must say. it isn’t her fault so I won’t hold it against her!

    Bloofer Lady has a really good time watching this and wishes that other modern horror film would strive to be as original as this film is.

You can buy Slither at Horror Movie Empire.

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt

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THEM!

February 22nd, 2010

1954 Warner Brothers

Enormous ants, products of the nuclear age, are killing and terrorizing people. Will they be stopped in time or will they go on a killing rampage destroying all of humanity?

Bloofer Lady loves this film even though she can’t stand ants in real life. Well, maybe that’s why I find giant ants getting their just desserts such a good time! Even though this film is now almost sixty years old it really does stand the test of time because it is pretty much a cautionary tale of what happens when humanity doesn’t think before it acts.

Ted Sherdeman wrote the screenplay and it is a thinly veiled warning at what can happen to nature when nuclear testing is done. Back then the Cold War was in full swing and nuclear testing was a normal occurrence in the American Southwest, so this subject is a very timely one during the era in which this film is made. The story follows scientist Dr. Harold Medford (Edmund Gwenn) and an assorted cast of characters as they try to figure out where the ants come from and where they are going. In the process we get to lean quite a lot about them, such as the fact that they inject formic acid into their victims. So, not only are you watching a monster film you are getting educated at the same time! Since this is the 1950’s there are some really funny scenes concerning sexist shots being made at Dr. Medford’s daughter Patricia (Joan Weldon) who also happens to be a scientist. She’s told by FBI agent Graham (James Arness) that after telling the team that she wants to go down into the ant’s nest that it would be no place for a woman! Well, she pays him no mind and goes down anyway! Good for her I say! Despite the fact that I personally hate ants I feel kind of sorry for the poor things because it’s not like the ants chose to become huge. Right?

Them! is directed by Gordon Douglas and I think he does a really good job, because despite the years that have passed since this film was made it actually stands the test of time. We don’t even see the ants for quite a while, and the tension in the film is built instead by us continuously hearing them. Since these scenes mainly take place in the desert it is both stark and very spooky to be hearing such things and not actually get to see them. The very first scene in which we see one is on a dirt ledge above one of the characters and we have to wonder whether they are going to see it before they get eaten! Talking about being eaten, I love seeing the ant with the human ribcage between its mandibles, and right after we get a scan shot of a bunch of human bones littering the area! Perhaps the very spookiest scene in the whole film is when the good guys go into a nest of ants after it is gassed. It’s dark and there is a thin layer of the noxious fumes still swirling about their feet as they see ant after dead ant. The ants themselves look very cool, and in my opinion are far more effective then a lot of the CGI effects being used in films these days.

The acting in this can be a little over the top at times, but hey it’s the 1950’s we’re talking about here! Edmund Gwenn plays Dr. Medford perfectly and the ccharacter is pretty much responsible for the audience finding out about what the ants are and how they are created. It’s a standard type of ccharacter for a 1950’s monster film, but Gwenn is very effective at playing the nerdy scientist. My favorite character is probably Sergeant Paterson who is played by James Whitmore because he is very earnest in the role. The only thing that puts me off about him is the uni-brow he sports. It can be very disconcerting at times, trust me! You may recognize him because he appeared in a lot of movies and TV shows throughout his career, and in fact just died in 2009. The only actor that somewhat bothers me is James Arness who plays FBI agent Robert Graham. I think it’s because the character himself is a sexist pig so maybe I should give the guy some slack!

Them! is a great and classic sci-fi/horror film that is not only great fun to watch but is a cautionary tale about what happens when we carelessly do things.

You can buy Them! at Horror Movie Empire

Bloofer Lady
Horror Crypt .

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DEATH MATCH: Freddy VS Pinhead

February 20th, 2010

In the battle of ultimate baddies I like to think that all is fair in blood and guts. What we have here are two supernatural and evil killers with a serious craving for blood and pain- a pretty decent match up in my opinion. I must admit that when I was given these two I was immediately thrown for a loop as to who I would end up picking. Both are iconic, powerful, frightening and just plain awesome so how then are we suppose to come to a decision? Fear not, for I will outline some important details about both, weigh some pro and cons and finally give you what I considered to be the answer to end all battles.

First, a little background.

Freddy

Fred Krueger was a originally a janitor, sweeping the floor and all the vile trash of pesky children. He was also an accused child molester held responsible for many of the child disappearances and murders in the town. After the parents failed to see any justice they took matters into their own hands and burned him alive inside his boiler room, resulting in the death and supernatural after life of Fred. His brutal murder apparently gave him the ability to continue to kill children, only this time- in their sleep. The fiery manner of his death caused a pizza like effect to happen on his face, and his weapon of choice quickly became his knife glove. He wears his trademark sweater and fedora while battling the teenagers dreams with his innate sense of sass and one liners.

Pinhead

Pinhead is the lead cenobite in hell- a gang of underworld demons whose mission is to bring pain, suffering and “pleasure” to those condemned. Originally Captain Elliot Spencer, Pinhead became a cenobite after solving the Lament Configuration Box for himself. Clad in a long, black, pleathery jacket and rifled with pins stuck into every inch of his face- Pinhead is one of the most menacing and frightening bad guys to date. Although he does not often directly kill people, he and his cenobite army “harvest” human souls- ripping them apart in an all too painful and imaginable form.

So what does it come down to? Let’s start with who has the upper hand. Freddy is probably the fan favorite because people love him- they can’t get a freakin’ nough of the Fred Meister. He says funny things usually involving swears, and gets people where they are perhaps most vulnerable, in their dreams. His main plan of attack in that regards is much higher than Pinhead’s could ever be. Freddy is capable of getting to pretty much everyone- but Pinhead mostly is restricted to those who solve the puzzle box, and those who are damned to hell. Most of you are probably saying that therefore you don’t have to worry about Pinhead so much since hell doesn’t look to be in the cards for you–but I on the other hand am pretty positive that I’m going to hell and I really would rather spend it with the devil then with Pinhead. Getting ripped apart by chains? No thank you! Plus look at all the cenobites. All those apparent injuries, voice boxes ripped open, needles in the head, chronic fatness? It’s all what they suffered once they arrived in hell. I’d seriously take getting gutted in the tummy with a knife glove over having my face ripped apart any day of the week.

The other major thing you have to look at, is their evolution. Freddy came out swinging in the first Nightmare on Elm Street, keeping his witty banter and incessant hootin n hollerin’ to a minimum. In the sequels however Freddy almost came to represent a parody of himself as his craziness and funny lines became almost too much to handle as time went on. Sure he was still brutally killing people but he also became funny- which in my opinion can sometimes distract him from his overall purpose. Plus it makes him look less frightening.

Pinhead however is a man of refinement. Taking a big step back away from the all too familiar “muted” killers and then of course the all too familiar comedic villains (cough Freddy) Pinhead never seem to become anything less than what he has always been. A strong, stoic, terrifying demon of the underworld with little on his agenda except to bring ultimate pain and suffering. He also has such a classy air to him, like he’d also be a connoisseur of fine wine on the weekend or something.He clearly would not be distracted or dependent on finding just the right thing to say when dueling and that my friends is key.

So what would a battle between Freddy and Pinhead look like and how would it end? If you think about it- although Freddy has the upper hand in appearing in people’s dreams, Pinhead doesn’t dream- so Freddy’s “superpower” is drastically reduced. Therefore it’s going to be more of a battle of pure skill so Freddy will only have his knife glove to defend himself. Pinhead on the other hand- and I’m sure I can have your support behind this will most certainly be able to use all of his resources. I say this, because I’m pretty certain that Freddy belongs in hell. So it becomes immediately clear that in the battle, Pinhead can summon those awful chains, and rip apart every single one of the burns off of Freddy’s face, one by one if he has to. The battle will go as follows, Freddy: *Something  funny* Pinhead *Something classy, scary, pointing out that Freddy’s humor won’t save him when his soul gets ripped apart*     *Freddy’s soul gets ripped apart*   On the plus side of this, once Freddy’s soul gets ripped apart, he’ll be able to cover more ground and appear in multiple peoples dreams at the same time. Excellent!

So all in all my answer here is that there is no question in saying that Pinhead would win the battle. Freddy has evolved into a joke, and his knife skills really are only a concern to those who are sleeping. He would be no match for Pinhead and Pinhead would see right through Freddy’s comical mask and really get him where he hurts. Pinhead is a man of taste, of class and of good looks (let’s face it Pinhead is oddly dreamy) and when you make your decision, let it be one that truly matters.

Vote on the poll to your right and tell us who you think would win! The winner of the poll will have all their DVDs marked down 13% in the coming week. So get voting!

Andre Dumas

The Horror Digest

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